awake again. (re-post)

My wonderful friend Leeana wrote an amazing book called Found Art, which I highly recommend. In it, she tells the story of her first year of marriage, which so happened to take place in a foreign country, while her husband was serving in the military. After many years back in the United States, Steve is again stationed in Bahrain, and Leeana is with him again, and this time they have children. In a recent blog post, Leeana quotes her own book, and recounts how she had been walking around, with the lights out in her own soul, and yet in the souq, she felt that she was coming alive. In a souq of all places. It was an unusual place, in a foreign land, that God used to heal her. She had this to say about it: “God has a way of taking the most unsuspecting elements and using them to bind us up. When the miracle happens, when he touches our eyes with these elements and we are able to see, we realize that even dirt and spit contain a beauty all their own. . . .” I think that I allowed a part of me to grow dim some time ago. I realized it last week, about the time that I read Leeana’s blog post, that deep inside, God is healing part of me. I have a tendency to compartmentalize my life, and there are some compartments that have been almost rusted shut. I couldn’t feel anything in those parts of my life, I couldn’t see anything. They were just there, in the background, but not really there at all. Broken, and yet I didn’t spend the emotional energy to ask God to heal them, to allow Him to do work on them, I just journeyed on. I concentrated on what was easier, what wasn’t so broken, and ignored the part of me that felt incapable of emotion. Until recently. Until God just showed me that He has every desire to make me completely whole. That He won’t allow me to live only half alive. He is healing the very part of me where my lights had gone out, in ways that I couldn’t see. He is using unusual things, things foreign to me. I can’t describe it really, I just know that I was driving home one night and realized what it was like to feel something that I didn’t know I ever would again. And I know that ability to feel came from God, from His healing mixture that He placed on the broken parts of my soul. The thing that I can describe is the beauty of it. How as I come to feel alive in every way, how much I love the freedom that comes with it, and how much I long to praise God for it. I can’t believe that He cares so much more then I thought He did, and I can’t believe how wonderful His gifts are. I read somewhere, I can’t remember where, that one day, we will reach a place where the difficulty of our journey will be eclipsed by the joy of what we receive from God, that the difficulties of our journey will be nothing in light of eternity. And in the meantime, I think we should take the time to allow God to heal the parts of us that are dim, or dying. I know He longs to. I know He longs to do it today, long before we reach heaven. I believe that He wants us to start experiencing wholeness here on earth. It won’t be perfect, but it’s a glimpse of heaven. It’s part of living life to the full (John 10:10). Seriously, everyone should go get Leeana’s book. It’s so good.

thinking. (re-post)

This last few months has been interesting for me. I have had highs and lows. I’ve cried so many tears of pain that I can’t imagine that I could even have tears left, and laughed hard enough to cry any tears that I did in fact have still in me. I have been hit with things that I would have never seen coming, both for the good and the bad. I’ve said tough goodbyes, that have left empty spaces in my heart, and questioned why we must disconnect from those we love. I’ve felt numb so often, putting up walls to try to keep emotions at bay because I didn’t even know how to interact with all that was going on, but ended up allowing myself to enter the deep pain that was indeed residing in my heart for the sole purpose of pushing through it. The levels of frustration, stress, and anxiety in my life reached record highs, and record lows. I’ve hoped, and felt let down for doing so. And yet, I’ve chosen to hope again. I have bemoaned the grey northwest days, claiming that the skies matched the feelings in my hurting soul, and a few short days later realized that I might actually be ok with living in Snohomish for a long time to come. In case you weren’t aware, that is quite the claim for a sunshine-loving big city girl. I’ve taken risks that I normally wouldn’t, done things I would have never thought, and experienced more joy and peace in those times than I would have thought.
I guess this season, with all its highs and lows, is somehow, someway, good for me. Because somewhere along the way, I’ve learned more about God, and myself. I hate saying that, because it feels so very cliche, like what every Christian should say in the midst of craziness, but I’ve found that it’s just so true. I have actually reached a point where I don’t regret all bad that’s happened, although I’m still in the middle of the messy process of grieving some really tough losses, and I am well aware that more losses are ahead. Despite knowing that pain is still surrounding me and in front of me, I can say that I am beginning to truly believe that God loves me, and that that love will, in the words of Rob Bell, win in the end. I guess I am learning to look at things a bit differently. God is moving, albeit in His timing, and His timing doesn’t match mine.
I am also realizing that our moments of greatest pain can lead us to a time of fantastically joyful memories. What we do to survive, the ways we reach out for help, the prayers we pray in desperation from a feeling of emptiness, allows something new and different to enter in. When we are empty of all we think we know, of all the things we think are perfect and right for us, when we remove all that we hold tight to and ask God to help us out of the despair, we get to experience something that we would have never imagined, and usually that something is truly beautiful. I know that it’s beautiful because that’s the pattern, that’s the story of God. That’s what redemption from sin is, God creating something beautiful out of the despair. I don’t know what will happen next in my life, but I do know that even if it really sucks, God will create something beautiful with it. That doesn’t mean I would be super excited to walk a hard road, but it does mean that I am willing to walk it.

thankful.

It's that time of year that makes me think of all the things I am thankful for. I am continually realizing how many blessings I have in my life, and how I could really never make a complete list of all of them, but it's still pretty cool to jot some of them down in order to reflect and praise God for all that He gives. So, here's my 2008 "what I'm thankful for" list. Feel free to add to it...what else should I be thankful for?

God. the amazing and indescribable gift of salvation. incomprehensible grace. love. laughter. having clean water to drink, foot to eat, and a place to live. my mom and dad. knowing that if it all goes horribly wrong, there are people to turn to. space to grow. having a meal with people that you are so comfortable with that it feels as if you've never left. having a meal with people that you are so comfortable with that it feels as if you've been here forever. hoodies. having two places to call home. eight thanksgiving invitations. seasons. coffeeshops. fireplaces. coffeeshops with fireplaces. non stop flights from seattle to san diego. the smell of pine trees. my cell phone and it's amazingly long battery life. going for walks. the ability to walk. the experience of training for a marathon. an adventurous spirit. the ability to read. all things apple. being 17% done with my masters degree. the smell of clean laundry. knowing that all things are possible with God. dreams. candles. the beach. flip flops. snowboarding. running. laughing until it hurts. being on year two. visitors from california. visiting california. mix tapes. starting to understand why. down comforters. gloves, hats and scarves. passion. being challenged to grow. girl time. watching the office. football. christmas lights. being outside. chocolate chip cookies. snow days. having so many amazing people in my life that i could never list them all. tuesday nights. my amazing job. panera bread's chicken noodle soup. facebook. autumn. red cups at starbucks. christmas. being able to own a Bible and worship openly. sliding across the hardwood floor in my living room in socks. photography. sunshine. gmail. relevant magazine. elf yourself videos. knowing that tomorrow anything could happen. student ministry. random adventures. finding something amazing that you could have never imagined.

can't sleep. ugh.

My long runs sometimes mess with my head. I hate how much I struggle, although I don't know why it surprises me. Running is actually high on the list of things that I am just plain not good at. So why in the world did I sign up for a marathon? Truthfully, I feel called by God to do it. And that's admittedly weird, I know. I mean, who gets called to run 26.2 miles? Well, I think I was, and I believe you go where God calls you and do what He has called you to. This is one of those things that's not easy, but the nice thing about this is that there is a finish line - a chronological one as well as an actual one. On November 30, at some point, I will have tackled this whole marathon thing, and hopefully will have raised $500 for World Vision's work in Africa. It's just that in the middle of it all, you forget about the finish line and want to give up. Training is hard. And I want to quit, but I won't. I won't quit unless God tells me to. Which is such a parallel to this last year. Moving here was hard, and I wanted to quit sometimes. Not because I didn't love my job, I always loved my job, and thankfully, I have way more youth ministry talent than running talent. But it was hard and I did want to pull the plug on it all. Because, well, let's recap it - you're in this crazy new place where you hardly know people and your friends back home are all hanging out with each other, and you're 1300 miles away feeling like you're not even yourself anymore, and all you want to do is be somewhere that you can feel comfortable in your own skin. So not fun! But there was something about crossing the one year mark that helped. It wasn't exactly a finish line, but it was something. There was something in me that kept saying that if I could make it through the first year (with minimal crying) I just might be able to make it here, both professionally and personally. And truly, I think that the last month here has been fairly spectacular, despite the throbbing soreness that currently resides in my legs. I have really started to feel comfortable with people here, and feel so blessed to be in the presence of them. And I feel like myself again in so many ways, although I have grown quite a bit. Or I would like to think that I have ;) I just didn't want to lose who I was and I think that I did for awhile. So while tonight I feel like crud because I'm sore and nauseous, and the struggle of today's run has me sitting here on the verge of tears, I am still somehow peacefully residing in all of the blessings that God has sent my way. The fact that I can run, even slowly, is actually a blessing too, that I should never take for granted.
And have been contemplating something else too...on a visit to my old church in SD while I was home a couple of weeks ago, I felt that God was telling me, even as I was standing talking to a dear friend, that He brought me back so that I could see how right it was to leave. And there is SO much peace that comes with that. It still hurt to end the trip, and I cried much of the plane ride home (yep, called both places home, try and figure that out) and I still miss the people, but I will stay here and reside in the peace that comes when you can see that God truly knows what's best, and will guide you to it, if you are only willing to follow.

seasons

I've been meaning to update everyone on my training progress, but honestly, the marathon took a backseat to school for this past two weeks. Well, school and work and other random life occurrences. More on that later. Maybe.

All I know for sure is that the seasons seem to have changed. (The timing feels more appropriate now than it did in August when we had that rainy/cold week) Starbucks officially has their pumpkin spice lattes back in their stores, and Dreyers pumpkin ice cream is back too, which is fairly amazing, and available in slow churned/half the fat if that's what you're looking for. More of my runs will now be done in the rain, which isn't as fun, but it's a part of the training for a late fall marathon. Leaves are changing, which is still fascinating to me. And the air has this crispness that was not present just a few short weeks ago. Summer is ending, and fall is beginning. But overall, life is changing too. I've only been here in the northwest about a year, and so much change has happened already, and I know that more is coming. I like change for the most part, and in my job especially, I'm an agent for it. I think sometimes I wouldn't mind a bit of stability for awhile, but I don't think it's coming. And honestly, that's ok too. One thing that I say a lot is that God doesn't put anyone anywhere if He knows they can't handle it. God has equipped me to handle change, not always perfectly, and yeah, I cry and I"m emotional about it sometimes because well, I'm a girl. :) But I have a strong faith in God, and I know that when life changes, He doesn't. Knowing that I don't have to weather any change in seasons alone is fairly awesome in itself, but knowing that more than that, the One who is walking with me is steadfast brings more peace than I could ever hope for. So let the seasons change, and let whatever happens happen. I'm more than fine with it. Endings on some parts allow for amazing new beginnings. And maybe a change in seasons will help with schedule realignment and allow me to get back to training well. The possibilities are endless. Bring on the fall.

Hmm...now that I think about it, maybe let the sun shine as much in the next two seasons as it does in the summer. Other than that, bring on the fall ;)

yesterday.

I woke up early this morning to make sure I got a shower before my roommate...and realized post-shower that she is not home. Oh well. I have a few extra moments this morning. I prefer to not be rushed.

At the end of the 4th week, I had my first ever not-so-great long run. Yesterday I experienced a new-to-me phenomenon - the leg cramp. Good times. I prefer not to have that happen again. And it was fairly warm, and I was definitely not prepared for the heat, or for the length of the run - I had only had coffee and a bit of toast before. I forget how important food and all that stuff is to having a good run, especially in warmer temps! So, one not-as-fabulous-as-hoped run down, chance for a new and completely fabulous run still before me! Because that's one of the amazing life parallels that I see with running - there's always hope in the next day! Sub-par performance? All good, most likely you will do better tomorrow. Facing extreme difficulties? There's a high probability of all of that being non-existent after a good night's sleep. It reminds me as to why God tells us so clearly that He gives what we need for today, because tomorrow when we start over, we'll probably need something different, and He'll provide that then. I will not complete the marathon on the strength I have today because I'm simply not ready. But God will help me to keep training, and get me there, to the race. So while yesterday was not necessarily something fun, I had expected that the harder runs would come, and I'm not discouraged in the least. Good runs are still before me as well. And while I'm praying that race day is a good one, if it's not (as was seen in so many athletes in the Olympics marathon) I'm not giving up on running anymore than I'm giving up on trusting God to sustain me through life. And chances are, in the hard runs, and hard days, there is something that I'm being taught (maybe I should eat more for breakfast perhaps?) that I should be paying attention to. So if you catch me ignoring what can be learned from hard times, feel free to call me on it. I want to learn and apply it to whatever is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a constant learning experience. Which is one of the reasons that a geek like me loves it so much.

late night musings, mostly about the marathon.

Week three has been the best training week so far and by far. The rest of everything else has been slightly overwhelming, but amazingly enough, after a fabulously long night's sleep last night, and a very chill day off, and a lot of time talking to God, things feel not-so-overwhelming anymore. Until I think about how much homework I have. Ugh. Anyway, other than homework, laundry and sleeping, the only productive thing I did today was run 8 miles. It was the first time I've finished a long run and actually thought "hey, I think I can do this marathon thing". I felt good, despite running straight into the wind for the first half of my run. But I kept thinking about all the places I was running past - all the places I used to stop and turn around, and now I just keep going. So crazy to me. Oh, and I ran into Jean at the end and she made me an awesome sandwich for dinner! That was pretty great.

I have discovered something else through this process - I'm learning a lot about how much I stink at commitment, and I'm fairly sure that I'm one of the people that I often get frustrated with - those who take the easy way out. At least, I seem to do that with everything other than my ministry. I've never had a problem committing to that. So here I am, committing to something other than the church. Yay for me! It's really hard! I'm for sure a commitment-phobe. But, I want to be a woman who is strongly committed to whatever she's involved in. I tend to only make it two years at any given job, I try new things all the time, but never get to the point where I'm more than average at any one thing. I tend to get all distracted and move onto something else. So here I am, attaching myself to something that requires that I finish it. And I want to finish it well. Therefore, commitment to training is a must. And it's hard, it requires a sacrifice of time and effort, and amazingly enough, it's been a heck of a lot of fun. I'm actually getting better at something. How's that for encouraging you to keep going? I mean, it's definitely a growing, stretching experience, but despite the pain and frustration, it's fairly awesome. I've always liked a challenge anyway. But I never would have thought that God would teach me so much through something like training for a marathon. I hope that post-November 30, I'm a more well-rounded, committed person than I was when I started on this journey. And in the process, I'm able to help some kids in Africa. My life is a unique and wonderful thing. I'm so thankful for every bit of it.

update

This is my second week of training. It's unfortunately been a bit rougher for me, not because of time, but I haven't been feeling all that great. Food has not been agreeing with me ever since Chinese VBS. I blame the horrible camp food at Camp Berachah for wreaking havoc on my stomach, but I guess it could be a virus or something. Or something I'm eating. Whatever it is, hopefully I'll be over it soon, so I can run and run and run without feeling nauseous.

Speaking of eating...I got super excited last night when Sharon showed me this online tracking system that you can use to see what you've eaten, and how much protein, fat, etc. is in all of it. You can enter in your workouts, so I can use it as a runner's training log, and it's all electronic, which is so fabulous. I feel compelled to give it a shout out - so if you're interested in it, go to www.livestrong.com and sign up for the free version of My Daily Plate. It's amazing.

Speaking of amazing, I don't know how to describe some of what has happened this week, but I've been very aware of God's hand in my life, and His care and provision for me. Which humbles me greatly, and is giving me a lot to think about, and a lot to be praising Him for.