thinking. (re-post)

This last few months has been interesting for me. I have had highs and lows. I’ve cried so many tears of pain that I can’t imagine that I could even have tears left, and laughed hard enough to cry any tears that I did in fact have still in me. I have been hit with things that I would have never seen coming, both for the good and the bad. I’ve said tough goodbyes, that have left empty spaces in my heart, and questioned why we must disconnect from those we love. I’ve felt numb so often, putting up walls to try to keep emotions at bay because I didn’t even know how to interact with all that was going on, but ended up allowing myself to enter the deep pain that was indeed residing in my heart for the sole purpose of pushing through it. The levels of frustration, stress, and anxiety in my life reached record highs, and record lows. I’ve hoped, and felt let down for doing so. And yet, I’ve chosen to hope again. I have bemoaned the grey northwest days, claiming that the skies matched the feelings in my hurting soul, and a few short days later realized that I might actually be ok with living in Snohomish for a long time to come. In case you weren’t aware, that is quite the claim for a sunshine-loving big city girl. I’ve taken risks that I normally wouldn’t, done things I would have never thought, and experienced more joy and peace in those times than I would have thought.
I guess this season, with all its highs and lows, is somehow, someway, good for me. Because somewhere along the way, I’ve learned more about God, and myself. I hate saying that, because it feels so very cliche, like what every Christian should say in the midst of craziness, but I’ve found that it’s just so true. I have actually reached a point where I don’t regret all bad that’s happened, although I’m still in the middle of the messy process of grieving some really tough losses, and I am well aware that more losses are ahead. Despite knowing that pain is still surrounding me and in front of me, I can say that I am beginning to truly believe that God loves me, and that that love will, in the words of Rob Bell, win in the end. I guess I am learning to look at things a bit differently. God is moving, albeit in His timing, and His timing doesn’t match mine.
I am also realizing that our moments of greatest pain can lead us to a time of fantastically joyful memories. What we do to survive, the ways we reach out for help, the prayers we pray in desperation from a feeling of emptiness, allows something new and different to enter in. When we are empty of all we think we know, of all the things we think are perfect and right for us, when we remove all that we hold tight to and ask God to help us out of the despair, we get to experience something that we would have never imagined, and usually that something is truly beautiful. I know that it’s beautiful because that’s the pattern, that’s the story of God. That’s what redemption from sin is, God creating something beautiful out of the despair. I don’t know what will happen next in my life, but I do know that even if it really sucks, God will create something beautiful with it. That doesn’t mean I would be super excited to walk a hard road, but it does mean that I am willing to walk it.