can't sleep. ugh.

My long runs sometimes mess with my head. I hate how much I struggle, although I don't know why it surprises me. Running is actually high on the list of things that I am just plain not good at. So why in the world did I sign up for a marathon? Truthfully, I feel called by God to do it. And that's admittedly weird, I know. I mean, who gets called to run 26.2 miles? Well, I think I was, and I believe you go where God calls you and do what He has called you to. This is one of those things that's not easy, but the nice thing about this is that there is a finish line - a chronological one as well as an actual one. On November 30, at some point, I will have tackled this whole marathon thing, and hopefully will have raised $500 for World Vision's work in Africa. It's just that in the middle of it all, you forget about the finish line and want to give up. Training is hard. And I want to quit, but I won't. I won't quit unless God tells me to. Which is such a parallel to this last year. Moving here was hard, and I wanted to quit sometimes. Not because I didn't love my job, I always loved my job, and thankfully, I have way more youth ministry talent than running talent. But it was hard and I did want to pull the plug on it all. Because, well, let's recap it - you're in this crazy new place where you hardly know people and your friends back home are all hanging out with each other, and you're 1300 miles away feeling like you're not even yourself anymore, and all you want to do is be somewhere that you can feel comfortable in your own skin. So not fun! But there was something about crossing the one year mark that helped. It wasn't exactly a finish line, but it was something. There was something in me that kept saying that if I could make it through the first year (with minimal crying) I just might be able to make it here, both professionally and personally. And truly, I think that the last month here has been fairly spectacular, despite the throbbing soreness that currently resides in my legs. I have really started to feel comfortable with people here, and feel so blessed to be in the presence of them. And I feel like myself again in so many ways, although I have grown quite a bit. Or I would like to think that I have ;) I just didn't want to lose who I was and I think that I did for awhile. So while tonight I feel like crud because I'm sore and nauseous, and the struggle of today's run has me sitting here on the verge of tears, I am still somehow peacefully residing in all of the blessings that God has sent my way. The fact that I can run, even slowly, is actually a blessing too, that I should never take for granted.
And have been contemplating something else too...on a visit to my old church in SD while I was home a couple of weeks ago, I felt that God was telling me, even as I was standing talking to a dear friend, that He brought me back so that I could see how right it was to leave. And there is SO much peace that comes with that. It still hurt to end the trip, and I cried much of the plane ride home (yep, called both places home, try and figure that out) and I still miss the people, but I will stay here and reside in the peace that comes when you can see that God truly knows what's best, and will guide you to it, if you are only willing to follow.